I am frozen with indecision.
I am bound by obligation.
I am rendered motionless by stress.
I am stopped in my tracks by judgements.
How can I move forward when everything around me is pushing back?
I don’t know.
I do nothing different.
I keep plowing the field.
I live with a guilt monster.
He is consistently reminding me of how bad of a job I am doing at life. He is a combination of my husband, my kids, my mom, my dad, my ex husbands, my friends, my ex friends, every boss I’ve ever had, every other woman who can manage any task or responsibility that I cannot, every dirty look I’ve ever received, and every person I’ve managed to hurt or disappoint in my entire life. Mind you, it is not those people specifically that are the guilt monster, it is the collective thoughts of these individuals that I imagine they are having at all times that make up my guilt monster.
I imagine this guilt monster has control of my actions, thoughts and feelings. I imagine that he is judging me at every moment. I imagine that carrying him is my penance for the sins and mistakes that I have committed and letting go of him is not allowed for me. He is my cross that I carry through life while bystanders throw rotten vegetables at my head.
I remind others that we all make mistakes and that we are learning about life at every turn. However, my guilt monster wants me to feel the weight of my mistakes. He forgives others, but not me. He never gives up in his pursuit for justice. He makes me feel guilty for not feeling guilty. He makes me responsible for all troubles around me. He diminishes the joy of my accomplishments. He bursts through in every task of my day, whether driving to/from work, working at work, making dinner, playing with the kids, meditation, recreation and relaxation. He will not hesitate to remind me that I am doing something wrong or not good enough, during any activity.
I live with a guilt monster, and he is not moving out.