I begin this section of writings in an attempt to discover who I am, who I always have been and who I want to be. At 43, you’d think I’d have already done this; but alas, I’ve never really owned up to who I am. I’ve never taken a hard inventory of the many spare parts that make up my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, my shortcomings and my passions. I hope, over time, that I will develop a new understanding of myself and what others see in me and what traits I will choose to embrace or kick to the curb. Then I can take an honest step forward to try to pursue the characteristics I admire in others and aspire to exemplify.
So , let’s start with some stream of consciousness…
I think I’m a pretty hard worker, but with a lazy streak. I get tired of working too hard for too long and feel entitled to a break.
I think I’m a pretty ok mom. Certainly not the warmest, welcoming, home cooking, comforting, best friend, live only for my kids type. But I make plenty of sacrifices for them, enjoy spending time with my family, tech my kids to be confident, strong, honest caring and open-minded.
I get annoyed with people easily. Which is odd because I am so intimidated by what other people think. I guess it’s a form if judgement in both directions. I expect that others are judging me so I must defend myself by judging them first.
I get bored easily. I have difficulty completing simple tasks to completion. I never was dishes until the sink is empty. I…as a matter of fact…I have difficulty completing any task until completion, whether it is simple or not. That’s kind of shitty…hmmm.
I think I’m pretty smart. There’s all different kinds of smarts and I’m no engineer, mathematician or inventor kind of smart, but I can hold my own listening to a good TED Talk or reading about the history of our universe. I think my smart is more philosophical than technical. Which is ok, but doesn’t always manifest the easiest opportunities for application.
And for my last thought today…I think I’m pretty bad at having and keeping friends. I’m a bad friend and I don’t know what to do to be a good friend. The truth is that I have wild social anxiety that I can hide with strangers and acquatences, but immobilizes me when friendships begin to grow. I think I’ve failed a lot as a friend and that’s left me with a very low confidence of success.
That said, to all my friends out there…I’m so sorry. I will try to do better.
I can only start by trying to recognize things in my life I want to improve. For today, this is enough. For tomorrow, I will continue exploring.