We are social creatures… except when we aren’t.

There is a social nature in all of us, but the spectrum of the desired quantity of social interaction is broad.

As an introvert, I rarely crave social interaction. The amount of social interaction that I get organically with work, kids, school functions and family are more than exhausting on the social scale. What time I have left in my life, I nearly always desire to spend alone.

I constantly wrestle myself about this. I can never reconcile why I have such an aversion to interacting with people. I like these people. It’s not that I’m a recluse. I just don’t ever seem to have the mental energy to engage with them.

SOCIAL INTERACTION TOLERANCE RATIO

What I’ve recently realized is that it’s not the act of being social that puts me off, it’s the amount of social interaction that is too much. I am maybe a 50%er….meaning that I need to have at least 50% of my time when I can be alone, recharge and be quiet with my thoughts. If I can get that, then I’ll crave and seek out others for social time the other 50% of my day.

What I’m getting, in reality, is about 10% alone time, and for many days not even that. My days at work are often booked with meetings and other forced social interactions that definitely count toward my tolerance levels, but provide little value in the satisfaction scale of social content.

Then home with kids and family where smiles and joy levels go up! But also frustration and impatience as we interplay about dinner, homework, bedtime, chores, practices and all manner of things not on my list of glorious, self recharging activities.

When I think back to times in my life when I was much more social, it was always times when my amount of alone time was high. When I was young, fresh out of school, no forced social school interactions on a daily basis and I’d wake up and have to find people to talk to. Or just after my divorce, when the kids were gone every other week, and I had the house alone to myself during the evenings, and I had to find ways to fill social needs on my weekends.

TAKING ACTION

So what am I going to do with this information? We’ll, armed with this new knowledge, I need to work to achieve that 50/50 balance. Not just in a single day, but also over time, on the weekends, over a month, the year.

If I have two weekends booked up this month, I need to work to keep the other two clear. If I have a week booked solid with meetings and practices and games, I need to understand that my weekend time will be precious and not over commit. If this entire month is crazy busy, I can look ahead to several quiet weekends in the coming months. I need to be selfish with my alone time, understanding that having it will make me a nicer, more tolerant, social individual when I have those interactions.

So find your social tolerance ratio. Are you an 80/20? 70/30? 50/50? Or even 10/90? Don’t beat yourself up for who you are. You have to find a balance that fits your brain and is nourishing to your spirit.

Think about your balance here, and take action. While social obligations are often in no short supply, it is only you who can look out for and prioritize your personal alone time.

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Quiet

Alone with my thoughts
Free from judgement
Free from embarrassment
Forced smiles
Forced conversation

Only in the quiet, the still
Can I find myself

Here is where I dream
Contemplate
Comprehend
Rest
Restore

Who am I?

I begin this section of writings in an attempt to discover who I am, who I always have been and who I want to be. At 43, you’d think I’d have already done this; but alas, I’ve never really owned up to who I am. I’ve never taken a hard inventory of the many spare parts that make up my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, my shortcomings and my passions. I hope, over time, that I will develop a new understanding of myself and what others see in me and what traits I will choose to embrace or kick to the curb. Then I can take an honest step forward to try to pursue the characteristics I admire in others and aspire to exemplify.

So , let’s start with some stream of consciousness…

I think I’m a pretty hard worker, but with a lazy streak. I get tired of working too hard for too long and feel entitled to a break.

I think I’m a pretty ok mom. Certainly not the warmest, welcoming, home cooking, comforting, best friend, live only for my kids type. But I make plenty of sacrifices for them, enjoy spending time with my family, tech my kids to be confident, strong, honest caring and open-minded.

I get annoyed with people easily. Which is odd because I am so intimidated by what other people think. I guess it’s a form if judgement in both directions. I expect that others are judging me so I must defend myself by judging them first.

I get bored easily. I have difficulty completing simple tasks to completion. I never was dishes until the sink is empty. I…as a matter of fact…I have difficulty completing any task until completion, whether it is simple or not. That’s kind of shitty…hmmm.

I think I’m pretty smart. There’s all different kinds of smarts and I’m no engineer, mathematician or inventor kind of smart, but I can hold my own listening to a good TED Talk or reading about the history of our universe. I think my smart is more philosophical than technical. Which is ok, but doesn’t always manifest the easiest opportunities for application.

And for my last thought today…I think I’m pretty bad at having and keeping friends. I’m a bad friend and I don’t know what to do to be a good friend. The truth is that I have wild social anxiety that I can hide with strangers and acquatences, but immobilizes me when friendships begin to grow. I think I’ve failed a lot as a friend and that’s left me with a very low confidence of success.

That said, to all my friends out there…I’m so sorry. I will try to do better.

I can only start by trying to recognize things in my life I want to improve. For today, this is enough. For tomorrow, I will continue exploring.

I am frozen

I am frozen with indecision.

I am bound by obligation.

I am rendered motionless by stress.

I am stopped in my tracks by judgements.

How can I move forward when everything around me is pushing back?

I don’t know.

I do nothing different.

I keep plowing the field.