Quiet

Alone with my thoughts
Free from judgement
Free from embarrassment
Forced smiles
Forced conversation

Only in the quiet, the still
Can I find myself

Here is where I dream
Contemplate
Comprehend
Rest
Restore

It’s not me, it’s you.

During my last meditation with the Headspace app, I decided to focus on “Acceptance” because I have been struggling lately with the gap between the life I want and the life I have. The moderator asked, “Who or what are you resisting most in your life right now?” Bingo, my job!

However, as I further reflected on the thoughts that came rushing into my head, it wasn’t fear or resistance to me physically doing my job, it was fear and resistance to all of the people I’m around every day at my job! It was for the politics and the back-stabbing, for the personal agendas and the hair-brained schemes.

My company is about to enter yet another cycle of disruption due to corporate greed and empire building. I see what’s going on all round me. Executives are fighting for their jobs with the new organization by beating on the backs of the workers to over perform and stay under budget. Workers are fighting for themselves and their teams, with little to no regard of the big picture at stake. The big picture, however, is rarely addressed in the short term goals, yet it’s addressed majestically in the long term vision. The long term vision, however, remains foggy.

It’s not really my work that I hate, it’s the people all around me. I hate the politics, I hate the games, I hate the manipulation, I hate the constantly changing agenda. It is the people who do these things, not the business.

Most environments have these types of dynamics to some degree, but I think there are certain, special industries that foster and nurture, even breed, a certain slimy, self-righteous group of elitists who really weigh heavily on my conscience.

This is what is driving me everyday to find a new way to live, to not depend on the game, only to coexist peacefully with it (maybe even take advantage of it, from time to time), but certainly, certainly to never allow it to overwhelm my soul or darken my spirit.

7 Reasons why I am definitely going to the Bad Place when I die…

My daughter recently got me to start watching a Netflix show called The Good Place, which is actually about a bunch of people that go to the Bad Place when they die and are judged on their transgressions. However, what gets them to the Bad Place is not really bad stuff like killing people or stealing, it’s the little stuff. The stuff like ignoring people when they need help, not doing nice things for the right reasons, or driving people around you crazy with your indecision, are what ultimately dooms these people to the Bad Place. (P.S. if there’s more to the show, no spoilers, I’m just illustrating a point.) So, I thought it would be beneficial to my personal growth to talk through all the little things that may send me to the Bad Place someday or maybe, just maybe, I’m not so different than everyone else…

So, here goes…

1. I don’t call my mother. Or my father. Or any of my aunts or cousins or anyone else who I’m supposed to be keeping in touch with. Don’t get me wrong, I talk to these people, just mostly when they call me or we get together for family gatherings, etc. I am the WORST about calling people.

2. I don’t send thank you cards. I mean, sometimes I do, like for big occasions like a wedding or baby shower (I think I mailed those…). Occasionally I’ll make a thank you phone call (see # 1), text or email; but this is the exception, not the norm.

3. I don’t like to get up early. I know this is when grown-ups are supposed to do all their stuff before the rest of the world wakes up, but I hate doing that. I would rather lay in bed until I’ve snoozed my alarm 45 times and it is 3 minutes past the latest possible time I can get up and still make it to work on time. Which leads to #4.

4. I am always late. Everywhere I go and everything I do, I am late. I feel I am physically incapable of leaving with enough time to get somewhere on time. Or rather, I leave at the time when, if all traffic parted the way for me, I made every light, and made the trip 3 minutes faster than I’ve ever driven it, I might get there on time.

5. I self medicate. This is term for when you use substances to forget your problems instead of dealing with your issues or seeing a medical professional about them. This sounds bad, I know, but really it just means that I drink alcohol and well, do…other things when I’m stressed; which is mostly all the time. Welcome to adulthood

6. I’m super lazy. I am not one of those people who knocks out 3 projects every weekend or won’t go to bed until the dishes are done. Nope. I’ve left an entire spaghetti dinner sitting on the stove for multiple days before washing the pots out! I would just rather sit and relax…which, as a mom, is not often.

7. I procrastinate like a professional. I wait until literally the last possible moment to gets started on any task. If there was an award for procrastinating, I would win it, but never get around to picking it up.

I’m sure I could go on, but just a couple of these things is enough to solicit “tsk, tsk’s” from your mother and disappointed head shaking from your boss.

On the flip side, I also meditate, do yoga, play make believe with my kids, provide the primary income in my family, have a great relationship with my husband, don’t appear to have mentally devastated anyone close to me and haven’t taken us into to bankruptcy even once.

I’m quite sure there is a special place in hell for people like me with all my tardiness and inconsideration.

But until then, I will try to ignore my raging guilt and maybe, just maybe, try to do a little better at these things when I can…

Bring me your tired, your hungry, your stressed out to the max!

While this blog is about a lot of different things, it is mostly to help people get through this amazing, miraculous, terrifying, awe-inspiring, oppressive and completely humbling life.

I know life can be hard. It really helps to know there are other people challenged in the same way we are.

I consider myself a very normal person with no special abilities. However, I am also a person striving for another way.

I want to appeal to other people who are also searching for another way. People who are tired and bored with their current way of life. Those who can’t stand to go to the office one more day and work hard for someone else’s dream. I want to inspire those who have resigned their expectations in life to nothing more than a sizable savings account and a comfortable retirement. I want to tell mom’s, dad’s, kids, that you can be content with today while pushing yourself like crazy for something incredible tomorrow.

My audience is someone who wants to repurpose their life into something more meaningful, adventurous, calm, peaceful and joyous. Someone who is a kid at heart and still doesn’t like sitting at the grown up table.

I am frozen

I am frozen with indecision.

I am bound by obligation.

I am rendered motionless by stress.

I am stopped in my tracks by judgements.

How can I move forward when everything around me is pushing back?

I don’t know.

I do nothing different.

I keep plowing the field.